When Loving Others is Hard

We can love people who don’t like us or who don’t show it to us. This is true love! To love someone despite the fact that it is not always reciprocal. However, if this love is one-sided, respect the other’s choice not to love you, and respect yourself by choosing the relationship you want with this person.

Occasionally, the most loving thing you can do for another person is to let them go and cut off contact with them. You can still love them by wishing them well, but recognize that continuing a relationship with anyone who has toxic habits or is abusive is not being loving toward yourself.

What is “loving the other”

• Accepting both their qualities and their flaws.

• Not judging them for their differences-----in culture, in values.

• Not awaiting recognition.

• Knowing and respecting them.

Do not judge. We have gotten into the habit of judging, analyzing, gauging others, and it is a very bad habit: Who am I to judge anyone? Do I have all the pieces of their puzzle in my hand? All their history? The ins and outs of their life? Can I make an objective judgment about another person without that knowledge? Of course not.

So let’s stop judging at all costs, or else let’s be judged! Do we like to be judged? Of course not. We would all like to have people who look at us with love, friendship, empathy, and understanding. So let’s do it for others! Personally, I remember that each person is in search of love and empathy, and that each human being is capable of the best, but that he simply has not yet expressed it. Each person has inside of themselves holiness, goodness, and love, often well hidden.

So let’s look for the light in others and love it. When I speak to someone, I remember that deep down, they are a good person. More prosaically, you can also tell yourself that each person is like you, a being alone in the world (one is always alone with oneself), in search of happiness. It’s up to you to help him find it! You’ll find that you have also found happiness. If you practice this, your life will be transformed. Try it!

Commit to seeing the best in everyone. You can also practice seeing only the good in a person. Basically, this is what we do when we are in love: we romanticize a being and only see their positive sides, those that we like. It is only weeks, months or years later that we also see their flaws. It’s up to us to make a practice of seeing only the good qualities and the positive in a person.

Sometimes that’s not possible. If someone is intent on hurting you, it’s okay to walk away. Remember, you do not have to be abused by anyone, ever. But most of the time it is possible to overlook minor flaws and focus on the good qualities a person possesses.

Breathe. If you find it too difficult to see only the good qualities in someone, to refrain from judging them, you can focus on your breathing. You have the choice whether or not to get aggravated by what they say and do and the power to detach yourself from them. Look at them as if you were on the bank of a stream watching it flow. This allows you to stop dwelling on your negative thoughts and to have a neutral and benevolent attitude toward others. Love is a feeling that comes from the thoughts you choose to follow or not.

Remember to walk in love. One of the most important things I have learned is the selfless aspect of true love. I’ll tell you what it is. Your ability to walk in love each day is more important than anything else. Your “walk in love,” is the way you love others and yourself. Selfless love is characterized by the desire to sacrifice one’s own desires for those of others. I’ve learned that authentic love always adapts to the needs and wants of others.

Soften your heart, and you’ll gradually learn to consider the needs of others. You’ll acquire compassion—the sincere desire to put the needs of others before your own. I gradually developed my own “walk in love,” making the deliberate decision to reach out to others. I have learned to express my love in different ways to different people. Not everyone has the same needs. One of your parents, for example, may require you to spend more time with them than the other. One friend might need encouragement more often than another.

Spend time with those who are different. (Re)learn to love others. It’s important to spend time with those we don’t always agree with. Otherwise we end up telling ourselves that they don’t matter, and our need to reach out to others gradually disappears until it becomes almost unthinkable to be with them. Learn to love those you feel yourself wanting to shun. Learn to empathize with others; develop your curiosity and ultimately your empathy.

Don’t miss the opportunity to discover the world through the eyes of another; let us taste the authenticity in a point of view different from our own and accept it. Nothing forces us to join it, just enjoy the pleasure of adopting it for a moment. This experience is likely to overwhelm us, to transform our vision of the world, and to develop both our sensitivity and our tolerance.

By adapting these ways, we learn to show a real interest in the other, to accept and love them. We arouse their own curiosity in turn, and their desire to reach out toward their fellow humans.

Recite these affirmations to empower change within yourself

Affirmations adapted from the words of Iyanla Vanzant, Lúcia Xavier, Audre Lorde, and Ella Baker.

• I’m willing to look at my darkness so that it empowers me to change.

• The threats are real, the challenges are big, but I don’t plan on giving up.

• I am deliberate and afraid of nothing.

***

A creator of safe spaces, and an initiator of difficult conversations, M.J. Fievre, B.S. Ed, spent much time building up her Black students, helping them feel comfortable in their skin, and affirming their identities. Her close relationships with parents and students led her to look more closely at how we can balance protecting our child’s innocence with preparing them for the realities of Black life. When―and how―do you approach racism with your children? How do you protect their physical and mental health while also preparing them for a country full of systemic racism? She began to research the issue and speak to school counselors and psychologists to find (and apply!) strategies parents and teachers can use with their children to broach uncomfortable but necessary topics.

M.J. is the author of Badass Black Girl, a daily dose of affirmations for Black Girls

“You'll come away from Badass Black Girl feeling as if you've known the author your entire life, and it's a rare feat for any writer.” ―“Mike, the Poet,” author of Dear Woman and The Boyfriend Book

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Affirmations for strong, fearless Black girls. Wisdom from Badass Black female trailblazers who accomplished remarkable things in literature, entertainment, education, STEM, business, military and government services, politics and law, activism, sports, spirituality, and more.

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